Gratitude

Good day, friends!

God is good! He loves us. He created us so He could do just that! We are created for His pleasure. (Eph. 1:3-6 ) He desires good things for us. (Matt. 7:11) Be ever thankful for everything in your life. All of it can bring you into a closer and more fulfilling relationship with Him if you allow it to do so. (Rom. 8:28) Consider keeping a Gratitude Journal. I updated mine today.

Blessings to you,
Alexis

Somewhere Between Self-Control and Fits of Rage

Forgive me, friends, for my blogging delinquency. I have struggled with my topics. I never know where I should start. In retrospect, I believe I have been tempted to shy away from the embarrassingly ugly parts of me God intends for me to share. I want to put on that mask and present my own version of me. But that is not the real me and that is not who God has called me to share. As I have said before, it is better that I share nothing at all with you rather than present lies as truth. May God forbid it.

So here is a story about the real, ugly me, and how God is working to change me.

We had a wonderful Sunday.

We had a not-so-good weekend.

One Thursday night my husband went to the hospital ER for some sort of digestive problem. It was the sort of problem you just want to END quickly, and after 10 hours of it, he was exhausted, in pain and completely spent. I felt horrible that he had to drive himself to the hospital in the middle of the night, but someone had to stay home with the children. I suppose these are the sacrifices parents must make. Since this story isn’t the point of the blog, I’ll just say he was sick for three more days and spent quite a bit of that time in the hospital. Needless to say, this was not the weekend we had planned.

By Saturday afternoon, I was pretty tired of being alone with the girls. Now I love my girls and I couldn’t dream up two better toddlers or a more fulfilling job for me, but sometimes we all just need a break from the everyday. In retrospect, I also realize that I had not taken my “happy” pill that day. [Another topic for another day.] Perhaps that had something to do with it. But whatever the reason, I found myself unable to rise to the occasion and present a calm, energized and loving demeanor to my precious children.

I yelled. I didn’t curse or insult them or degrade them or anything like that. But I did strain my voice, get in their face and speak with a harsh attitude. The specifics don’t matter. What does matter is that I was wrong. I should not have done it. I am an adult and capable of controlling my actions. I am so sorry. I was sorry even then. Please forgive me Lord, and grant me self-control. Help me to walk in Your Spirit.

I knew I was wrong as I was doing it, so I tried my best to just be quiet instead. In these situations, when you just need a break, in order to avoid doing something wrong that you might regret, experts and experienced moms advise calling a friend or family member to help. But in this situation, I felt like it was something I just had to endure. I shouldn’t call for help because my husband was coming home soon. I should be able to calmly handle my own two children for just another hour or two. Well, I did endure, but only through clenched teeth, gnashing all the way. Not well.

When we awoke the next morning for church, I did NOT feel like getting up and making the effort to go to church. (I needed a break, right?) But miraculously, my husband did. Even more miraculously, I submitted. After rolling over, tossing and turning, and enduring a frustrating internal dialogue, I reluctantly got out of bed and took a shower. I still had a horrible attitude, but at least I was moving myself in the right direction.

Thank You, Lord! Occasionally, I CAN manage to do the right thing – only by God’s grace. And I SO enjoyed church. Of course, God spoke right to me. Our class lesson and the sermon spoke right to my shortcoming, right to my need.

Success = Obedience

Joshua 1:8 – Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.

Obedience requires knowing God’s Will and doing it; obeying His Word; yielding to the Spirit. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)  The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. (Gal. 5:19-21)  What was my fruit on Saturday? Where was my obedience? How can I overcome my sinful nature and live yielded to the Spirit?

Somewhere between self-control and fits of rage, I live. I flounder. I waver.

This quote is often in my head when I think on this struggle:
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Why has this quote survived for years in my brain to continually resurface? It must mean something to me. We keep striving forward toward our God-given destiny, inevitably encountering the obstacle of our past-selves. We make forward progress and we continually encounter our old fleshly nature as it sets up roadblocks in our path.

And there was something else in our class lesson regarding the Fruit of the Spirit:
1 Cor. 13:13 - The greatest of these is love.

(v.4-8) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Yikes! Where was my love on Saturday? My love, my self-control, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, protection, perseverance? I certainly need to post these scriptures somewhere I can see them often to remind myself of what Christ saved me for. It certainly wasn’t for raising my voice to my precious children when they are simply acting like children. I have been saved for much more than selfish fits of emotion and frustration. God does not want me to act this way. He has enabled me to do much more. I endeavor to live better. To live my calling. To live in the Spirit. Bear the fruit I was intended to bear.

Forgive me, Lord. Direct me to do much better in the future. Don’t allow me to settle for less. You have never settled for less concerning me.


Yielding,
Alexis

Gratitude

Good Monday, My Friends! Today, I added to my Gratitude Journal. Consider starting your own! It may change you.

Have a blessed week!
Alexis

This Moment

"Daily work is not drudgery or pressure-packed, but cadence and beauty. This work is our slow dance with God."    - Ann Voskamp

Do we realize that THIS life, THIS day, THIS activity, is holy? Do we realize we are with God in this moment? Do we realize this moment IS God’s plan for us? We have the opportunity at every moment to spend intimate time with our Father, Creator. He has made us for this. He longs for us to turn our eyes to Him and open our arms, hearts and minds in this moment. He is waiting beside us, within us, for an invitation to participate in our every moment. No matter what we are doing. We are missing billions of opportunities to be infused by Boundless Energy, Infinite Knowledge and Perfect Love. How many seconds, how many moments, opportunities, are in a lifetime?

1 billion seconds = 31yrs 251days 13hrs 34min 53seconds
2 billion seconds = 63yrs 137days 21hrs 21min 4seconds
3 billion seconds = 95yrs 24days 5hrs 7min 11seconds

How many moments are we willing to waste? We could have already wasted a billion, even 2. And WE are wasting away as a result. Yes, even in our most difficult work, our deepest trenches, our maddeningly mundane, we can be filled to overflowing with all the fullness of God. (Eph. 3:17b-18) Let’s take THIS moment, EVERY moment to share intimacy with the Father. Let’s talk to Him, listen, thank Him, and appreciate THIS moment as a gift from Him – part of His plan for our life – and give Him the opportunity to fill us with the boundless, perfect gifts that are only His to offer – the ONLY gifts that will truly satiate us and infuse us with the power to enter into the next moment stronger, better, more complete than we entered the last.

Father, thank you for the billions of opportunities I have to be intimate with You here in this life. Forgive me for the opportunities I have wasted. Remind me to invite You into the multitude moments I have yet to experience so You can fill me with Yourself. Thank You.

Invite Him to THIS Moment!
Alexis

Gratitude

I added to my Gratitude Journal today. Check it out and start your own!


Blessed!
Alexis

End of Preface

Welcome to the last chapter in the story of how this blog began. Thank you for journeying with me thusfar. I pray it has been beneficial to some of you in some way. This is still just the beginning.

Monday, February 22, 2010

[Entire reference can be found at this link. Below is an excerpt.]
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/02/do-not-let-anything-keep-you.html

"Do not let anything keep you
from flinging out into the streets, eyes and mouth full of His wonder,…

and awe is why I grab the pen and I make the record,
and Beauty is why I scratch it down late, day after day,
and He makes the pulse race and brushes the tear clear and cups the life tender


and this is why I hurtle over the high fear
and disparaging words can't keep me and splaying shortcomings can't keep me and illness, work, obligations can't keep me,

and He is my blaze and He is my burn and and I cannot be muzzled because what can separate from the telling once the eyes have seen?


Could there be anything greater than this,
the bearing witness
to the sighting?

I give testimony.
And I cannot
not."


I have let even nothing keep me from beginning my blog. I must schedule time to do it or it won’t happen. Tonight. No excuses. Tonight.

God is working on something else in me, too. From the excerpt below, [Another subject for a future post.] I am reminded.  Is God in favor of savings accounts and investment portfolios? I know there is good in planning and preparing and taking care of our responsibilities. Yet I also know there is good in charity, generosity, meeting others' needs and living outside of our comforts. I suppose as in many things there is a balance. But where is the fulcrum? Where do responsibility and generosity intersect?


The same can be asked of my priority list. I hardly ever seem to meet the top few of my responsibilities and priorities, much less find time for ministering to others. I think I am called to do it all simultaneously. What an awesome calling for me! Awesome in the sense that everyone, including me, would truly be “full of awe” if I was ever able to do it all. Even once. I don’t doubt that God can do it through me, in me. I only doubt my willingness to let Him. Again, the common prayer request, “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.”
  
Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I did it. I started the blog. I obeyed. It’s messy, it’s not perfect, it’s not even satisfactory to me, but I obeyed. It is begun. I don’t know the software, I can’t customize it the way I want and I don’t have time to spend on it right now. But I have obeyed and that is the important part. It is truly not a blog of my own making, and that is best. If it were, I would have spent longer on the preparation, design and content, and it still wouldn’t be started. God, use it the way You see fit. Guide my posting, my thinking, my time. I give it all to You. It is Yours. Please frustrate my efforts to make it mine. It must be Yours to be of any value. Guide me in how I share it, when and with whom. That is the next step.


As I look back at last week’s post I think perhaps my Lenten season has begun. [Another subject for a future post.] Is this blog the place where I give up myself and exist for the sake of others? I hope so. So far it is. I certainly don’t want to bring attention to myself in this way. This environment is too uncontrolled for me to be comfortable here. I don’t have the time to control it. I can’t control the image of me that I convey to others. And that is the crux. I leave up to God what he wants me to reveal to the world. I have to. This is the crux, the cross, I bear. Glory to God the Father. Not to me. Only faults and weaknesses and humanity revealed from me. Sins, scars, bruises, mistakes, ugliness. All mine. And in all of that, is revealed the true God who heals, forgives, restores, redeems, loves and makes beautiful. In revealing my utterly embarrassing depravity, God reveals His true Glory. Himself. Thank You, Jesus.

And that, my friends, is the purpose of this blog - to reveal the heart and character of the One True God by revealing how He works in my life. Without Him we are all faulty, weak, lost and ugly. With Him, we are beautiful, powerful, complete, and have a purpose. A destiny.

I pledge to you and to Him, that I will do my best to share with you only His work in my life. I will present to you His glory, character and redemptive work by sharing with you my reliance on Him. If I ever start to present even a hint of self-righteousness, pride or attempt to share in the glory that is His alone, you have my permission to let me know! He has called me to be brutally honest with myself and reveal it through this blog. My tendency is to present a lighter, prettier, more self-flattering version of the truth. I know this will be difficult for me. He has much to teach me and I have much to learn. Yet if I do not share the complete truth, I have done nothing of value for you or me. Will you help me hold myself to this standard? I'm sure God will. In this way we will work together to reveal the truth. Jesus will become clearer, revealed for all to see. May it be so.

Thank You,
Alexis

Obedience

Ok. I know I promised you the end of the beginning, but I'm short on time and I think this post is best split into two. So only one more post after this one until this story is complete.

Again, this journal entry quotes from my current favorite blog. But I cannot deny the powerful way God has spoken to me through the life and pen of this "cyber-sister."

Tuesday, February 02, 2010


Ann Voskamp marvels at the wonder of ice crystals on her windowsill – how intricate, miraculous, delicate and fleeting. Mostly unnoticed.

[A link to the entire post is provided, but I have included an excerpt below.]

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/02/how-to-discover-true-value-of-you-and.html




“Beauty out of nothing.
Worship out of thin air.

I push away from my desk, kneel down on knees by the sill. How can I blithely keep working when wonder is happening and right there on the windowsill? Who will give witness? Who will whisper glory, Glory?


Heavens fall white.

That God creates this finely wrought beauty and no one continuously applauds. That in the womb of winter, He weaves water into clear crystal, glass.


That every single one of these millions of snowflakes births out of vapor, vapor of ocean waves, of jungle plants, of river current. Vapor of my every breath, now falls snow, breath of God. Vapor with no genetic code to follow, that assembles out of air into rarefied design, ornaments of The Invisible Hands.


And I rarely notice and I rarely give praise and whether His work is regarded is entirely irrelevant because God is fixed on beauty, and the pure joy of the creating, and the secret delight simply in the working. I can’t get over it – every flake masterpiece and there are no accolades and what do I know of hidden work simply for His glory’s sake?


Water droplets pool on the ledge.


The pile of stacked powder on the sill – is it waning? Has the temperature shifted even just a degree? They’re melting. Exquisiteness evaporating, the stellar dendrites, carved glass arms, one at a time, right before my eyes, vanishing. Beauty vanishing into thin air. All His magnificence…. Gone. I can’t believe how I mourn in that moment.


I am vapor too, grieving my kin and in each flake fading I see the way of my going.


And yet to God, there is hallowed worth simply in the being, that the coming and the being is the important, not the accomplishing or the acknowledgments. That the masterpiece of each person is all to His glory no matter the noticing and that all work need be beauty, even if unsung vapor.


God revels in the unrecognized.


‘Do not depend on the hope of results. When you are doing the sort of work you have taken on, essentially an apostolic work, you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect.

As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself.’
 —Thomas Merton, in a letter to Jim Forest dated February 21, 1966"



Today in my Bible study, Psalm 119:49-56 describes a confidence and comfort in obedience despite the opinions or reactions of others. Oh, to be confident and satisfied with “the value, the rightness, the truth of” pure obedience! What a gift from God! That we would know the truth, He would give it to us, and we would find complete freedom in obedience!

Oh, to be completely satisfied by my Audience of One! Will I ever truly cease performing for others? One day I will. That one day.  Until then, I will continue striving to please the only One who truly matters, and be completely satisfied with His thoughts of me. Pure obedience is completely independent of earthly results - accolades or criticisms. Lord, help me obey with a pure heart.

In Obedience,
Alexis

Gratitude

Today, I added to my Gratitude Journal. If you haven't seen it yet, you can check it out. Better yet, start your own! I generally add to mine once a week or so. See the explanation at the bottom of the Gratitude page.

With Thanksgiving!
Alexis

Sorting it Out

(If you're new to my blog, this is a continuation of the story that began here. You might want to start at the beginning.)

Over the next few months, I continued to work on and work out my priorities. God continued to clarify His instructions and I continued to seek understanding.

Monday, November 23, 2009

I still struggle to meet my basic responsibilities. I suppose every mother does. Yet I have been able to correct my priorities a bit and give my husband greater emphasis than before. Thank you, Father for accomplishing that. It is not a work completed, but is always in progress. Help me become better at it day by day.

As for the other responsibilities…Lord, give me a passion to keep my home with excellence in a manner worthy of You. Give me a new perspective on cleaning and organizing my home. Perhaps a view that it is a reflection of You, as everything in my life has the potential to be. Help me reflect You accurately in the way that I keep my home. Fill in my gaps and weaknesses so I can improve it for my family and for Your glory.

Thank you Father for this week…a holiday week that reminds us to be grateful for all that we have. ALL we have. Thank You for time with family. Help us to enjoy it all as a gift from You. Thank You for the good and the bad, the difficult and the easy, for blessings and challenges. All things grow us closer to You if we cling to You and have faith on the journey. Thank You.

Continue to help me grow into the woman You call me to be. You have even greater plans for me. Thank You. I commit to continue striving. I must tirelessly work to fulfill Your calling, and depend on Your strength every step of the way. I love You.


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Here we are again. I’m still struggling with the same issue: Priorities and where ministry fits in. Obviously, my ministry to my husband and children come first. The question is this: Should I forego ministries that take time away from my husband, children and home until I am able to complete all the duties that come with those priorities? We give money and we lend a hand when we can with small needs here and there. Is that all we are called to do for now? Is that ok for a time? I am beginning to think it might be, but I am still not sure.

But truly, I do feel overwhelmed by the simple tasks that face me every day here in my own house. I have not been able to accomplish them adequately since the girls were born. I don’t even think I accomplished them before the girls were born. But I know it is time I got to work and learned how to be a proper Christian wife and mother and daughter and sister, etc. Whatever the things are that have been preventing success in these areas, they must be dealt with! Anxiety, stress, perfectionism, guilt, self-focus, whatever… I don’t know, but they must get lost!

Father, help me be the woman you have called me to be. Help me deal with whatever issues or obstacles hinder me. Reveal them, shine your light on them, take them up in Your arms and wash me clean of them. I choose to rely on your power, your Spirit, your strength and your guidance. Help me, Father. I have not, can not, will never be able to do it on my own. Guide me, Lord and forgive me for failing you for so many years. This world deserves better from me. YOU deserve better from me. Help me, Father. I love You. 

As I re-read my journal and compile my blog posts I am so struck by my seemingly innate ability to stretch and drag and extend everything out until I have uncovered and mulled over every minute detail of every single part of every little thing. Is it as exhausting for you to read as it is for me to live??? No wonder I have trouble accomplishing all my tasks! I take too long! Well, I know some of that is simply the way God made me, and He has a purpose for it. On the other hand, I know some of it is my fleshly nature getting in the way of my destiny. Only God can help me sort out the good from the bad.

My apologies if I am exhausting you with these glimpses into my mind. Be encouraged!! We are about to get to the end of the story; or rather the true beginning of the blog. Then we can move into the here and now to see how God is going to flesh this thing out in all of our lives. I’m looking forward to it!

To the End of the Beginning!
Alexis

The Truth

(Apologies for the spacing and formatting errors. I'm still new to Blogger. The more I try to fix it, the worse it gets. And who has time to waste with buggy editors?)

Tonight I will continue the story of how this blog began. (The story began here.) I have been tempted to stray in a different direction. I have begun to tire of this long diatribe and I have struggled to make a cohesive story out of months of journal entries. I wonder if it will all make sense to any of you, or if you can even endure reading it all. Yet in reviewing my journal entries, I am reminded of God’s purposes. I learn and remember so much from this process. Most importantly, I am reminded it is for God’s purposes that I am doing this. It won’t always make sense to me, but I know my calling here. He has made it clear. My job is simply to obey. So I continue the story of this blog.

If you have time, the link in my journal entry below is well worth reading. If not, I pulled out a few excerpts that spoke to my journey at the time. The entire post is about much more than this.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2009/03/fear-of-silence.html

…why scratch down bits of my life, plastering them up on the walls of cyberspace, creating even more visual racket?...

it is long silent beats, the God encounters, that gives us something of worth to say in the normative community circles…

The words we speak must find their genesis from the silent places.

I am still struggling with the call to begin a blog. The more I write, the more I realize how little I have to say. Some days I have nothing at all significant to others. Other days I wax eloquent through thoughts and revelations, and still doubt their worth or validity to others. I hear what I believe the Lord is speaking to me, through me. Yet I am no theologian. I have no tomes of commentaries and ancient texts and translations. I have but little knowledge, cyberspace resources and limited time. I have no doubt that God is speaking to me and transforming me into His likeness. But in my constant state of metamorphosis I know not if my revelations and reasonings reflect ultimate truth –the truth that will someday be fully known to me.

Yet isn’t the Truth Jesus? If I am revealing Him to others, is He the only Word that matters? Still, I hesitate to share any shred of errant self-made doctrine. Yet isn’t it our self-doubt, our humility, our weakness that God is able to most fully shine through? Doesn’t He desire most to work though our weakness so that there can be no doubt that He is the one doing the work? So we have no doubt that He is speaking in our stead? True, that.

So it will only be with holy fear and great trepidation that I humbly and prayerfully take up my pen and scribe my journey for all of the world to see. I must commit to only reveal the Truth as it is revealed to me, and simultaneously claim no credentials but Christ. A sinner saved by grace being transformed by the Spirit, stumbling and balking all along the way. I can claim no authority or comprehensive knowledge. I can only share my story, my testimony, in humility…the manner in which Christ is working in my life to transform me into the self of my destiny. The way He works. That is what I can share. The Truth of His Word. Glimpses of His Glory. How to keep striving towards Him. How to allow Him to work in me. A thoughtful life. A redeemed life. A reformed sinner’s life. A blessed life.

Still, it is a high calling. But a true calling. A calling I think I can answer--He can answer.

Thank You!

I admit I am delinquent on thanking my three "Followers" who have bravely proclaimed to have at least read one of my blog posts. When I first logged on and noticed I actually had "Followers," I was completely blown away and overwhelmed. Somebody cares! (Not that I really knew what being a "Follower" meant, and still don't completely. But that's beside the point.) No matter what they think about what I am writing, they at least care enough about me to put their little faces on my page, request notification of all my posts and admit they know me!  Thank you so much to my three "Followers." I love you all and am inspired by your lives and your writing!

But wait, there's more!  I know there are others of you who have read my blog, but just haven't commented or signed up or let me know. I appreciate you, too! Thanks so much for taking the time to read my ramblings. I would love to get to know you, too, if I don't already. Please leave me a comment or email me or something. I haven't figured out all the gadgets on this blogging thing, so I have no idea how many of you there are, if any. Please let me know you're there. Let's share our stories with each other.

With Gratitude,
Alexis

Meaningless Meanderings of a Muddled Mind

During the same period of time in which I was working out the calling to begin a blog, I was also re-reading a series of my favorite Christian novels that dealt with written words becoming reality. (Ted Dekker's The Circle Series) God was using that concept to illustrate the importance of journaling and writing to me, and also to remind and teach me the power His Word holds for all of us. As I pondered these concepts, He also gave me the following Scriptures.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

2 Corinthians 3

1Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? 2You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. 3You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

4Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. 5Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. 6He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

The Glory of the New Covenant

7Now if the ministry that brought death, which was engraved in letters on stone, came with glory, so that the Israelites could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of its glory, fading though it was, 8will not the ministry of the Spirit be even more glorious? 9If the ministry that condemns men is glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness! 10For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. 11And if what was fading away came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts!

12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. 15Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect[a] the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

My words alone etched here do not save me or make me righteous or absolve all my sins. Only the Spirit of the Living God through Christ gives me the Words that heal, save, redeem. My words alone will not save anyone else – may not even be read by anyone else. Only through the living of my life through Christ will He be etched on other hearts. Through the Spirit, my words and my life may mean something for His Kingdom, but without His Spirit they are empty and meaningless. Meaningless meanderings of a muddled mind. But thanks be to God who takes away the veil, revealing His full glory to our hearts through the Spirit, so that we can see Him fully, with clarity, and live in complete freedom to be continually transformed into his likeness. Ever-increasing glory. His glory that we once could only behold through a veil while it was fading away, is now being fully revealed to us in increasing measure and transforming us into its likeness. Amazing. Thank You, Father. I am unworthy of this gift. Through Christ I am made worthy. I choose to live in the wonder of this gift today. Through Your Spirit I fully experience Your glory and therefore have an impact on others that is worth something. Without You I have nothing of value, except my decaying body that You created. But without Your indwelling, it will surely die and vanish forever. Lasting significance comes only from You. Meaning comes only from Your Truth.

If I fail to record the activity of the Spirit of God working in my life, all my writing is in vain. This blog means nothing to anyone if it is not about God -- His activity in me, through me, around me and in spite of me. My words alone have no power, no inspiration, no significance -- just as the Law given to Moses only served to condemn us and reveal our depravity, our desparate need for salvation. Christ's redemption is the only remedy for our utter depravity -- He is the fulfillment of the Law and it's requirements. Only through His Spirit living in me do I have any hope, any power, any significance to record. If I fail to share this hope, power and redemption with You through my words, I have wasted my time, your time, my calling. I endeavor to share with you only His activity in my life. Otherwise I am as a noisy gong or clanging cymbal and my words mean nothing. (1 Cor. 13:1-2) I love and appreciate God too much to waste His gifts and calling. I love and appreciate you too much to waste your time and your life.

In Love,
Alexis

Pop Quiz

I am so grateful for the gift of written words. That I can record God's activity in my heart and life, means so much to me. I have a memory problem and journaling is the perfect solution. If I had not been writing down God's activity in my life, I would have overlooked the following subtle but strikingly significant event. God was testing me even in the midst of a lesson not yet learned. And He was taking time to teach me more about priorities as I continued to wrestle with the lesson on obedience.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I feel confident about these priorities and this plan. Lord, continue to guide me regarding my priorities and lead me to make changes as needed and place things where they belong. I desire to do nothing without You.

Interesting. Yesterday, as I was making this list of priorities, I received a phone call that challenged me immediately. I was so focused on what I was doing, it caught me completely off guard. I was communing with God and seeking His will earnestly. My mind was slow at catching up to what the phone call was about. It was an opportunity to do some graphic design for my church's music ministry. I almost said yes, but I know myself well enough to know I should never answer a question like that on the spot. I asked for 24 hours before answering. Almost immediately after the call I knew the answer should be ‘no.’ Simply considering the logistics of how I would make it happen was enough to make me laugh. Still, I gave it some time and even discussed it with Luis. Sometimes I am completely surprised by his thoughts, so I should always consult him on matters of this import. I thought maybe financially he saw a need that I could possibly fill. Well, it was good that I asked, but he completely agreed with me. It is almost a preposterous idea at this point in time. I am always amazed at how my brain works, or doesn’t work, in certain situations. I was immediately thrilled at the prospect – almost as if I had completely forgotten the last 2 years of my life! Wow. Yet it is understandable how I could be touched by something I held such a passion for – perhaps the passion is still within me waiting for its next opportunity. Well, this clearly isn’t it. One look at my list of priorities can tell us that. The challenge of this whole scenario makes perfect sense. God is speaking to me and the world is challenging me. Good things vs. the best things.

Phil.1:9-10 And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ;

With knowledge and discernment granted by God, I choose the excellent. And I choose to do it in a manner worthy of Christ. For behold the manner in which He chose the excellent for me.

Gratitude.

Perhaps this little event seems insignificant. It does seem to be a bit of an aside from the larger story at hand. But isn't that just the way God works?  In the midst of one lesson, He somehow teaches us another. We seek answers for one question, and sometimes He speaks to us the answers for a completely different question. Were we asking the wrong question?  Perhaps. Not always. But isn't it exactly in keeping with God's character to give us abundantly more than we even think to ask for? (Eph. 3:20) That is why I am so grateful for this lesson on priorities in the midst of my lesson on obedience. (And I passed the pop quiz!!!) You can probably already see or imagine the countless other lessons He has been teaching me along the way.
 
Next time... a lesson about the significance of the written word and His Word.
 
The Eternal Student,
Alexis

Priorities

This is the life priority list I penned back in October, and have made very little changes to it since. I keep it at the top of my journal so I see it often. Whenever I need to make a decision, I refer to it and put things in their proper place.

PRIORITIES
     1. God
          a. Scripture
          b. Prayer
          c. Bible Study
          d. Journaling
     2. Husband
          a. Spiritually
          b. Emotionally
          c. Physically
          d. Communication/Decisions
     3. Children
          a. Physically
          b. Spiritually
          c. Emotionally
      4. Home
          a. Laundry
          b. Clutter
          c. Organizing
          d. Cleaning
     5. Close Family
          a. Communication
          b. Witness
         c. Physical/Emotional Support
     6. Close Friends
          a. Communication
          b. Physical Support
     7. Others
          a. Ministry
          b. Evangelism


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Yes, these are clearly Your priorities for me. I have prayed and thought a lot about it in the past 24 hours. I know they are right and I also found an article referencing some Scriptures and explaining how they apply to a Christian wife and mother (Titus 2:4-5 and 1 Tim. 5:10, 14). http://www.titus2.com/corners/7-03-m.htm ( I wouldn’t say I exactly agree with everything in this article, but it is not completely wrong and is good food for thought.)

Right now I believe the right thing to do is set up a better daily schedule and work toward achieving my priorities daily in their proper order. I can be specific about them if I keep a running list of what falls into each category. I think I’ll put it at the top of my journal so it is always present before me and I can edit it as needed. After I set up a good schedule and begin to work the plan, I will see how much time I have left to begin a blog. I can use part of my journaling time for it, but Scripture, prayer, study and personal journaling must take precedence.

I know God is calling me to minister to others. I eagerly anticipate being able to do it. But He has called me first to be a wife and mother. If it takes the accomplishing the former to enable me to do the latter, then so be it. But I choose not to forsake my husband and family chasing after visions of glory. His Glory is to be found in my daily ministry to my husband and each of my children. When I am diligently seeking to serve them first in their proper order, then I can begin to take time ministering to others. In the meantime, we can share His glory with others by living His model for the family. That in itself is a powerful ministry.

Guide me, Lord, as I seek to live out Your priorities in my life. Guide me in making an organized plan and sustain me with the will and energy to carry it out.

Thus, the blog was put on hold for a while until I was able to get my life in order. I knew He wanted me to start a blog, but I had to put first things first. In retrospect I can see that God was calling me to do exactly that. He used the call and desire to start a blog as a catalyst in my life - a catalyst to get me to work harder and accomplish more in the most important areas of my life. I knew He had also equipped me to accomplish all these things, including the blog. Establishing my List of Priorities was the first step to making it all happen. Establishing a daily schedule was the next step...

Prioritized and Energized,
Alexis

Now When Am I Supposed to Have Time for This?

If you're new to my blog, (and frankly, who isn't?), you'll need to go back to the very first post and read them in succession to get the full story. I am continuing to post excerpts from my personal journal that explain how and why I began this blog, and therefore what you and I can expect from it in the future.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Conundrum. Yes, God continues to speak to me about writing a blog. No, I am not certain of the answer yet.

After Friday’s entry, I thought more about the time element. [Do I have time to write a blog?] What other responsibilities and priorities do I currently have that I am already struggling with? Quite a few: being a wife, a homemaker, a mother of two young toddlers. And when I told my husband I was going to start a blog, the words just sounded so hollow and flat in my own ears. I heard all of the unmet obligations and incomplete tasks from the past and present echo all around us. I saw them flash through his eyes. When he asked, “why?” all I could muster in reply was an unenthusiastic, “because God is leading me to start one.”

Who could argue with that? What a cop-out answer! I knew I wasn’t prepared to justify myself to him – as I never am. Why am I never prepared to explain myself to him? Why does it always catch me off guard, wound my pride and hurt my feelings? Well, there is the answer in the question: pride. Always there, always waiting for the opportune moment to strike. Pride. And I give it plenty of opportunities to rear its ugly head. What is wrong with me having to explain my thoughts? Why do I get offended by it? Just explain how God led me there. Simple. I can do that. Just do it.

The question before me is this. Is God leading me to begin a blog right now when I am struggling to fulfill my current family and home responsibilities? Clearly my priorities are 1) personal time with God; 2) relationship with Luis (including resolving issues); 3) meeting all my children’s needs; 4) household chores (increasing quantity to eventually eliminate hired help). After those areas, come my extended family and my accountability group, and any other number of things God calls all of us to do. Then comes other specific things He has for me to do. All of these things/people are clear expectations and responsibilities given from God. Therefore they must all be well within my ability to perform excellently. To me, they sound overwhelming and nearly impossible. Yet, I know the Truth.

2 Corinthians 9:8 - And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Proverbs 31:10-31, Entitled, “The Wife of Noble Character"

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Yesterday’s post was never finished. I have continued to frantically search Scriptures and references for some guidance on how to live out these priorities. Maybe they should be somewhat different than I have them listed. The question remains. All I can hold on to right now is the list as I have them and the assurance that God equips the called. He does call me to all of these things. Therefore, He does equip me for all of these things. Perhaps the question is, will I choose to be obedient at all costs? Obedient when I’m tired, when I’m sad, when I’m guilty, when I’m lazy, when I’m burdened, when two little girls cry out for attention, when a husband needs me… Obedient at all times, at all costs in spite of myself. Can I deny my own desires without neglecting my needs?

God, You are calling me now to live out the life You have always called me to live. You have created me. You know my limitations, my struggles. Yes, but you also know my abilities, my possibilities, my gifts. Does it come down to which I allow to rule me? I cannot allow the darkness, the flesh to rule my life. I will walk in the freedom of choice – the choice to walk in Your light, Your fruits, Your strength, Your glory. By this, I can do all things. (Phil. 4:13) Help me, Father.

Thus began an internal struggle and the igniting of a strengthening resolve to accomplish all that God had set before me. How did I begin to do that?  With my List of Priorities, of course.  Tune in next time to see that list and how perfectly I am able to accomplish all of them. (not)

Equipped and Determined,
Alexis

Just Obey Already!

Continuing the story of why and how this blog began, below is another excerpt from my personal journal.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Ask, and ye shall receive! Ever since Monday’s pondering about whether to blog or not, God has not stopped speaking to me about that very topic. Even during that entry, He was already speaking to me. And now that I think about it, He was even guiding me to the answer before then. The question has been rolling around in my mind for a long time. I suppose, since I became pregnant, when I suddenly felt I had something worth blogging about. Funny how perspective changes. Because now my children aren’t the primary subject I feel led to blog about. Yet they were and are a major catalyst that has sent me back to my knees time and again. God has used them mightily to illuminate my weakness and selfishness and also draw out the gifts and abilities He has given to me. Most importantly, He has used them to draw me back to himself begging for the forgiveness and holiness my soul longs for, and seeking the direction and wisdom I dare not go on without.

Obviously, as mentioned in Monday’s entry, I am good at pondering, mulling and planning without ever DOING. They say if you put off making a decision for long enough, you have in essence, made your decision. Thus is my modus operandi. In Bible Study last week we studied the Israelites crossing the Jordan River. (Joshua 3) The priests had to step into the raging river BEFORE God stopped the water from flowing. We should OBEY God’s instructions immediately, even if the plan isn’t all clear to us. In Bible Study this week, [a friend] told us about her trip to the [unnamed mission initiative] in Africa. Discussion ensued about how we often sit and wait for God to speak to us before we commit to serve Him in certain areas. We’re waiting for something earth-shattering or life-altering to happen. Often we never end up making a move. All the while, needs around us are going unmet, souls are being lost and other workers are exhausting themselves. Sometimes finding the “perfect” opportunity doesn’t matter. Just jumping in and doing SOMETHING is the most important thing. While you are working, God will speak. (Know of a better place to hear him, than wherever you are serving Him?) If He doesn’t want you serving there, He’ll make it clear. If He has another opportunity in mind for You, He’ll let you know. But in the meantime, you will be serving others and glorifying Him. Often, that’s a whole lot better than sitting around in your prayer closet, waiting. Mostly, I don’t know what I’m waiting for. He’s usually already spoken to me at that point, and I’m just reluctant to get started.

I’m not saying that in my case, humility is not important. Pride is something I need to rid myself of. But if I wait until I empty myself of pride before beginning this endeavor, I’ll be waiting a long time – forever. When all the while, I could have been glorifying God and sharing Him with others. And He certainly won’t forget about my pride and need for humility while I’m writing my blog. Oh no. I’m sure He’ll use the whole experience to work on me in exactly that area, among others. Amazing! Thank You, God for this journal, Your Spirit, that Bible Study (just finished), and for the way You move. If I hadn’t been writing it all down, I never would have noticed it. Thank You for words, especially Yours.

So it was settled then. Then very next day I began this blog. 

Wrong. Of course, it didn't happen that way.  I'm too complicated for that. I mean look at how many posts it is taking to tell you why I'm even writing this blog!  Someone else would have just written one sentence and been done with it.  Not me.  There's more, and the plot is about to thicken, as they say.  I'm sure you were hoping for it to get interesting sometime soon. Otherwise, you'd be surfing away wishing you hadn't wasted ten minutes of your life reading these two posts! So tune in later this week for more of the story, if you think you can stand the excitement.


Complicatedly  Yours,
Alexis

Holy Fear and Humility

With great fear and humility, I continue this journey and record it for all eyes to see. This leg of the journey began several months ago, though my journey began thirty-some-odd years ago (and only One knows how far back the preparations really began). Therefore, I believe the best beginning comes from excerpts from my personal journal. This is the story of KNOWN.

Monday, October 19, 2009
...Oftentimes I feel the compulsion to share my gifts with others, or that God has given me gifts worthy of being shared with others; some things they could learn from. I have wondered if I am too hasty with that compulsion. Am I too proud of what I have been given or have learned? So proud that I feel superior in some way and therefore must grace others with the knowledge I have or the special talent I have? I’m beginning to feel that sometimes I am too quick to jump to that conclusion. This is pride. Also, approval-seeking, and I need not go there anymore. I have given that up. I need not man’s approval; only God’s. I need not feel SO blessed by my gifts, talents or lessons learned that I cannot simply appreciate them for the gifts that they are to me – also, take time to develop them – before I must flaunt them before the world.

I can see in a way how shouting them from the rooftops is good and right. Allowing the Living Waters to overflow from me to others is Our Commission. I have been given these gifts and experiences that I might serve others with them. My concern is that I use them with right motives. Not to bring glory to me, but to Him. Not too hastily, that I might miss all of what God is developing in me. To simply appreciate them for the gift they are to me is the right beginning. To allow Him to develop them to His standard and His goal so that I might be able to completely share them with others is the right goal. To follow His leading in sharing them with others is the only proper catharsis.

I know too often I mull and ruminate over things for too long before sharing them. Help me, Lord, find the balance – wait for Your Spirit to lead me – not fearfully delay, or proudly rush onward. I do not want to begin a blog for my own glory or the glory of my children or the informing of my loved ones. Though perhaps some of those are noble goals. But I simply do not feel led to add to the cacophony of voices shouting to be heard over the fray unless I have something You deem worthy of shouting. There is so much noise on this world-wide web. I have never been one to shout over the noise for my own sake or of my own accord. Lord, if You have something for me to shout through a blog, I will gladly shout it. With all joy and enthusiasm – energy that could only come from You. And if You have somewhere else my words need to be heard, I will shout them there too. But I vow that I will NOT shout anything, anywhere that does not come from Your Voice and Your prodding Spirit. Help me do that. Lead me in this task. I seek and await your direction.

In the meantime and in the quiet times, I will record these words here as an encouragement and reminder to myself, and a manner of bringing Glory to you. For you have given us all the gift of words that we might record Your deeds and forget not the great and mighty things You have done for our generation and the ones to come. Thank You, Father.

Case closed, right? Did you notice the date? October. What month is it now? February. Obviously there's more to the story. Check back tomorrow or later in the week for the next leg of the journey that led me here.

To Barely Brave Beginnings,
Alexis