Somewhere Between Self-Control and Fits of Rage

Forgive me, friends, for my blogging delinquency. I have struggled with my topics. I never know where I should start. In retrospect, I believe I have been tempted to shy away from the embarrassingly ugly parts of me God intends for me to share. I want to put on that mask and present my own version of me. But that is not the real me and that is not who God has called me to share. As I have said before, it is better that I share nothing at all with you rather than present lies as truth. May God forbid it.

So here is a story about the real, ugly me, and how God is working to change me.

We had a wonderful Sunday.

We had a not-so-good weekend.

One Thursday night my husband went to the hospital ER for some sort of digestive problem. It was the sort of problem you just want to END quickly, and after 10 hours of it, he was exhausted, in pain and completely spent. I felt horrible that he had to drive himself to the hospital in the middle of the night, but someone had to stay home with the children. I suppose these are the sacrifices parents must make. Since this story isn’t the point of the blog, I’ll just say he was sick for three more days and spent quite a bit of that time in the hospital. Needless to say, this was not the weekend we had planned.

By Saturday afternoon, I was pretty tired of being alone with the girls. Now I love my girls and I couldn’t dream up two better toddlers or a more fulfilling job for me, but sometimes we all just need a break from the everyday. In retrospect, I also realize that I had not taken my “happy” pill that day. [Another topic for another day.] Perhaps that had something to do with it. But whatever the reason, I found myself unable to rise to the occasion and present a calm, energized and loving demeanor to my precious children.

I yelled. I didn’t curse or insult them or degrade them or anything like that. But I did strain my voice, get in their face and speak with a harsh attitude. The specifics don’t matter. What does matter is that I was wrong. I should not have done it. I am an adult and capable of controlling my actions. I am so sorry. I was sorry even then. Please forgive me Lord, and grant me self-control. Help me to walk in Your Spirit.

I knew I was wrong as I was doing it, so I tried my best to just be quiet instead. In these situations, when you just need a break, in order to avoid doing something wrong that you might regret, experts and experienced moms advise calling a friend or family member to help. But in this situation, I felt like it was something I just had to endure. I shouldn’t call for help because my husband was coming home soon. I should be able to calmly handle my own two children for just another hour or two. Well, I did endure, but only through clenched teeth, gnashing all the way. Not well.

When we awoke the next morning for church, I did NOT feel like getting up and making the effort to go to church. (I needed a break, right?) But miraculously, my husband did. Even more miraculously, I submitted. After rolling over, tossing and turning, and enduring a frustrating internal dialogue, I reluctantly got out of bed and took a shower. I still had a horrible attitude, but at least I was moving myself in the right direction.

Thank You, Lord! Occasionally, I CAN manage to do the right thing – only by God’s grace. And I SO enjoyed church. Of course, God spoke right to me. Our class lesson and the sermon spoke right to my shortcoming, right to my need.

Success = Obedience

Joshua 1:8 – Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.

Obedience requires knowing God’s Will and doing it; obeying His Word; yielding to the Spirit. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)  The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. (Gal. 5:19-21)  What was my fruit on Saturday? Where was my obedience? How can I overcome my sinful nature and live yielded to the Spirit?

Somewhere between self-control and fits of rage, I live. I flounder. I waver.

This quote is often in my head when I think on this struggle:
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Why has this quote survived for years in my brain to continually resurface? It must mean something to me. We keep striving forward toward our God-given destiny, inevitably encountering the obstacle of our past-selves. We make forward progress and we continually encounter our old fleshly nature as it sets up roadblocks in our path.

And there was something else in our class lesson regarding the Fruit of the Spirit:
1 Cor. 13:13 - The greatest of these is love.

(v.4-8) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Yikes! Where was my love on Saturday? My love, my self-control, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, protection, perseverance? I certainly need to post these scriptures somewhere I can see them often to remind myself of what Christ saved me for. It certainly wasn’t for raising my voice to my precious children when they are simply acting like children. I have been saved for much more than selfish fits of emotion and frustration. God does not want me to act this way. He has enabled me to do much more. I endeavor to live better. To live my calling. To live in the Spirit. Bear the fruit I was intended to bear.

Forgive me, Lord. Direct me to do much better in the future. Don’t allow me to settle for less. You have never settled for less concerning me.


Yielding,
Alexis

Meaningless Meanderings of a Muddled Mind

During the same period of time in which I was working out the calling to begin a blog, I was also re-reading a series of my favorite Christian novels that dealt with written words becoming reality. (Ted Dekker's The Circle Series) God was using that concept to illustrate the importance of journaling and writing to me, and also to remind and teach me the power His Word holds for all of us. As I pondered these concepts, He also gave me the following Scriptures.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

2 Corinthians 3

1Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? 2You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. 3You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

4Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. 5Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. 6He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

The Glory of the New Covenant

7Now if the ministry that brought death, which was engraved in letters on stone, came with glory, so that the Israelites could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of its glory, fading though it was, 8will not the ministry of the Spirit be even more glorious? 9If the ministry that condemns men is glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness! 10For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. 11And if what was fading away came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts!

12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. 15Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect[a] the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

My words alone etched here do not save me or make me righteous or absolve all my sins. Only the Spirit of the Living God through Christ gives me the Words that heal, save, redeem. My words alone will not save anyone else – may not even be read by anyone else. Only through the living of my life through Christ will He be etched on other hearts. Through the Spirit, my words and my life may mean something for His Kingdom, but without His Spirit they are empty and meaningless. Meaningless meanderings of a muddled mind. But thanks be to God who takes away the veil, revealing His full glory to our hearts through the Spirit, so that we can see Him fully, with clarity, and live in complete freedom to be continually transformed into his likeness. Ever-increasing glory. His glory that we once could only behold through a veil while it was fading away, is now being fully revealed to us in increasing measure and transforming us into its likeness. Amazing. Thank You, Father. I am unworthy of this gift. Through Christ I am made worthy. I choose to live in the wonder of this gift today. Through Your Spirit I fully experience Your glory and therefore have an impact on others that is worth something. Without You I have nothing of value, except my decaying body that You created. But without Your indwelling, it will surely die and vanish forever. Lasting significance comes only from You. Meaning comes only from Your Truth.

If I fail to record the activity of the Spirit of God working in my life, all my writing is in vain. This blog means nothing to anyone if it is not about God -- His activity in me, through me, around me and in spite of me. My words alone have no power, no inspiration, no significance -- just as the Law given to Moses only served to condemn us and reveal our depravity, our desparate need for salvation. Christ's redemption is the only remedy for our utter depravity -- He is the fulfillment of the Law and it's requirements. Only through His Spirit living in me do I have any hope, any power, any significance to record. If I fail to share this hope, power and redemption with You through my words, I have wasted my time, your time, my calling. I endeavor to share with you only His activity in my life. Otherwise I am as a noisy gong or clanging cymbal and my words mean nothing. (1 Cor. 13:1-2) I love and appreciate God too much to waste His gifts and calling. I love and appreciate you too much to waste your time and your life.

In Love,
Alexis