Thursday, February 25, 2010

Just Obey Already!

Continuing the story of why and how this blog began, below is another excerpt from my personal journal.

Friday, October 23, 2009
Ask, and ye shall receive! Ever since Monday’s pondering about whether to blog or not, God has not stopped speaking to me about that very topic. Even during that entry, He was already speaking to me. And now that I think about it, He was even guiding me to the answer before then. The question has been rolling around in my mind for a long time. I suppose, since I became pregnant, when I suddenly felt I had something worth blogging about. Funny how perspective changes. Because now my children aren’t the primary subject I feel led to blog about. Yet they were and are a major catalyst that has sent me back to my knees time and again. God has used them mightily to illuminate my weakness and selfishness and also draw out the gifts and abilities He has given to me. Most importantly, He has used them to draw me back to himself begging for the forgiveness and holiness my soul longs for, and seeking the direction and wisdom I dare not go on without.
Obviously, as mentioned in Monday’s entry, I am good at pondering, mulling and planning without ever DOING. They say if you put off making a decision for long enough, you have in essence, made your decision. Thus is my modus operandi. In Bible Study last week we studied the Israelites crossing the Jordan River. (Joshua 3) The priests had to step into the raging river BEFORE God stopped the water from flowing. We should OBEY God’s instructions immediately, even if the plan isn’t all clear to us. In Bible Study this week, [a friend] told us about her trip to the [unnamed mission initiative] in Africa. Discussion ensued about how we often sit and wait for God to speak to us before we commit to serve Him in certain areas. We’re waiting for something earth-shattering or life-altering to happen. Often we never end up making a move. All the while, needs around us are going unmet, souls are being lost and other workers are exhausting themselves. Sometimes finding the “perfect” opportunity doesn’t matter. Just jumping in and doing SOMETHING is the most important thing. While you are working, God will speak. (Know of a better place to hear him, than wherever you are serving Him?) If He doesn’t want you serving there, He’ll make it clear. If He has another opportunity in mind for You, He’ll let you know. But in the meantime, you will be serving others and glorifying Him. Often, that’s a whole lot better than sitting around in your prayer closet, waiting. Mostly, I don’t know what I’m waiting for. He’s usually already spoken to me at that point, and I’m just reluctant to get started.
I’m not saying that in my case, humility is not important. Pride is something I need to rid myself of. But if I wait until I empty myself of pride before beginning this endeavor, I’ll be waiting a long time – forever. When all the while, I could have been glorifying God and sharing Him with others. And He certainly won’t forget about my pride and need for humility while I’m writing my blog. Oh no. I’m sure He’ll use the whole experience to work on me in exactly that area, among others. Amazing! Thank You, God for this journal, Your Spirit, that Bible Study (just finished), and for the way You move. If I hadn’t been writing it all down, I never would have noticed it. Thank You for words, especially Yours.
So it was settled then. Then very next day I began this blog. 

Wrong. Of course, it didn't happen that way.  I'm too complicated for that. I mean look at how many posts it is taking to tell you why I'm even writing this blog!  Someone else would have just written one sentence and been done with it.  Not me.  There's more, and the plot is about to thicken, as they say.  I'm sure you were hoping for it to get interesting sometime soon. Otherwise, you'd be surfing away wishing you hadn't wasted ten minutes of your life reading these two posts! So tune in later this week for more of the story, if you think you can stand the excitement.


Complicatedly  Yours,
Alexis

Monday, February 22, 2010

Holy Fear and Humility

With great fear and humility, I continue this journey and record it for all eyes to see. This leg of the journey began several months ago, though my journey began thirty-some-odd years ago (and only One knows how far back the preparations really began). Therefore, I believe the best beginning comes from excerpts from my personal journal. This is the story of KNOWN.

Monday, October 19, 2009
...Oftentimes I feel the compulsion to share my gifts with others, or that God has given me gifts worthy of being shared with others; some things they could learn from. I have wondered if I am too hasty with that compulsion. Am I too proud of what I have been given or have learned? So proud that I feel superior in some way and therefore must grace others with the knowledge I have or the special talent I have? I’m beginning to feel that sometimes I am too quick to jump to that conclusion. This is pride. Also, approval-seeking, and I need not go there anymore. I have given that up. I need not man’s approval; only God’s. I need not feel SO blessed by my gifts, talents or lessons learned that I cannot simply appreciate them for the gifts that they are to me – also, take time to develop them – before I must flaunt them before the world.
I can see in a way how shouting them from the rooftops is good and right. Allowing the Living Waters to overflow from me to others is Our Commission. I have been given these gifts and experiences that I might serve others with them. My concern is that I use them with right motives. Not to bring glory to me, but to Him. Not too hastily, that I might miss all of what God is developing in me. To simply appreciate them for the gift they are to me is the right beginning. To allow Him to develop them to His standard and His goal so that I might be able to completely share them with others is the right goal. To follow His leading in sharing them with others is the only proper catharsis.
I know too often I mull and ruminate over things for too long before sharing them. Help me, Lord, find the balance – wait for Your Spirit to lead me – not fearfully delay, or proudly rush onward. I do not want to begin a blog for my own glory or the glory of my children or the informing of my loved ones. Though perhaps some of those are noble goals. But I simply do not feel led to add to the cacophony of voices shouting to be heard over the fray unless I have something You deem worthy of shouting. There is so much noise on this world-wide web. I have never been one to shout over the noise for my own sake or of my own accord. Lord, if You have something for me to shout through a blog, I will gladly shout it. With all joy and enthusiasm – energy that could only come from You. And if You have somewhere else my words need to be heard, I will shout them there too. But I vow that I will NOT shout anything, anywhere that does not come from Your Voice and Your prodding Spirit. Help me do that. Lead me in this task. I seek and await your direction.
In the meantime and in the quiet times, I will record these words here as an encouragement and reminder to myself, and a manner of bringing Glory to you. For you have given us all the gift of words that we might record Your deeds and forget not the great and mighty things You have done for our generation and the ones to come. Thank You, Father.
Case closed, right? Did you notice the date? October. What month is it now? February. Obviously there's more to the story. Check back tomorrow or later in the week for the next leg of the journey that led me here.

To Barely Brave Beginnings,
Alexis